Heavenly Wings

Strange Sunday. I am really down in the dumps today and I don't know why. There is so much more that I have wanted to do with my life and I feel like it is all slipping away sometimes. Maybe if I just had a heartbeat...a warm hand.

Oh well.

Photo: State House Staircase



Song of the Day: Netherlands

High on this mountain
The clouds down below
I'm feeling so strong and alive
From this rocky perch
I'll continue to search
For the wind
And the snow
And the sky

I want a lover
I want some friends
And i want to live in the sun
And i want to do all the things that i
Never have done.

Sunny bright mornings
And pale moonlit nights
Keep me from feeling alone
Now, i'm learning to fly
And this freedom is like
Nothing that i've ever known

I've seen the bottom
And i've been on top
But mostly i've lived in between
And where do you go
When you get to the end ofYour dream?

Off in the nether lands
I heard a sound
Like the beating of heavenly wings
And deep in my brain
I can hear a refrain
Of my soul as she rises and sings
Anthems to glory and
Anthems to love and
Hymns filled with early delight
Like the songs that the darkness
Composes to worship the light.

Once in a visionI came on some woods
And stood at a fork in the road
My choices were clear
Yet i froze with the fear
Of not knowing which way to go

One road was simple
Acceptance of life
The other road offered sweet peace
When i made my decision
My vision became my release.

Earth Hour

Today, from 8pm to 9pm, turn out all the lights and bring attention to energy conservation.

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Better yet, turn out all the lights and use up energy making whoppie! LOL

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Nothing new and exciting to report today except that I am so glad it is the weekend and I have taken advantage of the rain outside to get some rest inside...lovin' it.

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Photo: Google goes dark

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Song of the Day: I Cross My Heart

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Our love is unconditional

We knew it from the start

I can see it in your eyes

You can feel it from my heart

from here on after

Let's stay the way we are right now

And share all the love and laughter

That a lifetime will allow

I cross my heart

And promise to

Give all I've got to give

To make all your dreams come true

In all the world

You'll never find

A love as true as mine

You will always be the miracle

That makes my life complete

And as long as there's still breath in me

I'll make yours just as sweet

As we look into the future

It's as far as we can see

So let's make each tomorrow

Be the best that it can be

I cross my heart
And promise to
Give all I've got to give
To make all your dreams come true
In all the world
You'll never find
A love as true as mine

And if along the way we find a day

It starts to storm

Youve got the promise of my love

To keep you warm

I cross my heart

And promise to

Give all I've got to give

To make all your dreams come true

In all the world

You'll never find

A love as true as mine

In all the world
You'll never find
A love as true as mine

Hall Of The Mountain Kings

Feeling rough today...runny nose, sneezing, headache...not good.

Photo: The Mist on DVD today

Song of the Day: Spill The Wine

I was once I was strolling one very hot summer's day

When I thought laid myself down to rest

In a big field of tall grass

I laid there in the sun and felt it carressing my face

As i fell asleep and dreamed

I dreamed i was in a hollywood movie

And that i was the star of the movie

This really blew my mind

The fact that me an overfed long haired leaping nome

Should be the star of a hollywood movie, hmmm

But there i wasI was taken to a place

The hall of the mountain kings

I stood high by the mountain tops

Naked to the world

In front ofEvery kind of girl

There was long one's tall ones, short ones, brown ones,

Black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones

Out of the middle, came a lady

She whispered in my ear

Something crazy

She said,

Spill the wine and take that pearl

I could feel hot flames of fire roaring at my back

As she disappeared, but soon she returned

In her hand was a bottle of wine

In the other a glass

She poured some of the wine from the bottle into the glass

And raised it to her lips

And just before she drank it, she said

take the wine take that pearl

spill the wine, take that pearl

spill the wine, take that pearl

spill the wine, take that pearl

take that pearl, yeah!

It's on girl, all you gotta do is

spill that wine

spill that wine, let me feel, let me feel hot, yeah! yeah!

spill the wine, spill the wine,

spill the wine, spill the wine,

spill the wine, spill the wine,

spill the wine, take that pearl

Hey, Hey

You can tell it was a Monday...and a Monday after a long Easter weekend...blah.

Today I balanced out a project that I was working on. I have a few more "tweeks" in order to get it exactly how I want it but at least it is balanced. I had so much going on today...turning in the travel, post office stuff, getting my presecription refilled, preparing for two meetings tomorrow...I am bushed.

I really need a vacation soon. Perhaps that is the next plan on my agenda. I hope I can squeeze one it.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Easter.

A hug to all...and to you Suz...I love ya!

Photo: Civil War Monument

Song of the Day: Momma Look Sharp

Momma, hey momma, come lookin' for me
I'm here in the meadow by the red maple tree
Momma, hey momma, look sharp, here I be
Hey, hey, momma look sharp

Them soldiers, they fired.
Oh ma, did we run
But then we turned round and the battle begun
Then I went under, oh ma, am I done?
Hey, hey, momma look sharp

My eyes are wide open, my face to the sky
Is that you I'm hearin' in the tall grass nearby?
Momma come find me before I do die
Hey, hey, momma look sharp

I'll close your eyes, my Billy
Them eyes that cannot see
And I'll bury you, my Billy
Beneath the maple tree

And never again will you whisper to me
Hey, hey, momma look sharp

Via Dolorosa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9nd0O-2r1M

Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soldiers tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
A Man condemned to die on Calvary

He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon His back
And He wore a crown of thorns upon His head
And He bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for His death

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King,
But He chose to walk that road out ofHis love for you and me.
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Por la Via Dolorosa, triste dia en Jerusalem
Los saldados le abrian paso a Jesus
Mas la gente se acercaba
Para ver al que llevaba aquella cruz

Por la Via Dolorosa, que es la via del dolor
Como oveja vino Cristo, Rey, Senor
Y fue El quien quiso ir por su amor por ti y por mi
Por la Via Dolorosa al Calvario y a morir

The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of Jerusalem.

Down the Via Dolorosa called the way of suffering
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King
But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.

Everybody Has A Dream

Today was a pretty good day for me. I got to spend some time with André at his office working on a video presentation for a conference coming up next year. He is really a great guy and is very much committed to making sure the seniors of this state get the services they deserve. I could only wish that he would run for President. Maybe this would be a much better world.



Thought for the day: You are not responsible for that into which you were born. You are responsible for doing something about it.



Photo: Lt. Governor Andé Bauer- Happy Birthday (a day early), André (March 20th)




Song of the Day: Everybody Has A Dream


While in these days of quiet desperation
As I wander through the world in which I live
I search everywhere for some new inspiration
But it's more than cold reality can give
If I need a cause for celebration
Or a comfort I can use to ease my mind
I rely on my imagination
And I dream of an imaginary time

Oh oh, and I know that everybody has a dream
Everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream
And this is my dream, my own
Just to be at home and to be all alone with you

If I believe in all the words I'm saying
And if a word from you can bring a better day
Then all I have are these games that I've been playing
To keep my hope from crumbling away
So let me lie and let me go on sleeping
And I will lose myself in palaces of sand
And all the fantasies that I will be keeping
Will make the empty hours easier, easier to stand

And I know that everybody has a dream
Everybody has a dream, everybody has a dream
And this is my dream, my own, just to be at home
And to be all alone, all alone with you

An Original

For Suz, who needs a friend who loves her.

No song necessary.

Stormy Weather

The storms that blew through here Saturday night were much worse that I let on previously. I guess the worst of them was about six or seven miles south of me. It stops to make you wonder what is going on with the weather. Uh, could it be that stupid idiotic Al Gore was right? Naw.

I think all this global warming crap is for the birds. The earth has always gone through cycles. This is probably just one of them. I think that the environmentalists are simply using the excuse of global warming to further their own selfish agenda. I can’t wait for the day when that idiot Michael Moore spends millions pumping toxins into the atmosphere to make a film about toxins in the atmosphere. After all, it is common knowledge that Hollywood is responsible for a good deal of the carbon emissions. Don’t believe me? Do some research and you will have a rude awakening.
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Photo of the Day: Damaged house (sadly someone I know and I am thankful that you are safe and will help you in any way that I am able).
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Song of the Day: Dust In The Wind
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I close my eyes
Only for a moment,
then the momen't gone

All my dreams
Pass before my eyes,
a curiosity

Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind

Same old song
Just a drop of water
in an endless sea

All we do
Crumbles to the ground,
though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind
All we are is
dust in the wind,
ohh Now,

don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever
but the earth and sky

It slips away
And all your money
won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
All we are is
dust in the wind
All we are is
dust in the wind

Dust in the wind
Everything is
dust in the wind

Everything is
dust in the wind
The wind

Hushed Valley

Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and then.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

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Photo: Peace and quiet..something lacking these days.

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Song of the Day: Danny Boy

Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountainside.
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling.
'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide.
But come ye back when summer's in the meadow
Or when the valley's hushed and white with snow,
'Tis I'll be there in sunshine or in shadow.
Oh Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy, I love you so.
But when ye come, and all the flowers are dying
If I'm dead, as dead I well may be.
Ye'll come and find the place where I am lying
And kneel and say an Ave there for me.
And I shall hear, though soft you tread above me,
And o'er my grave will warmer, sweeter be,
For you will bend and tell me that you love me,
And I shall sleep in peace until you come to me.

Alone, Again

Not feeling well today...song says it all.

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Photo: Autumn of my life

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Song of the Day: Alone

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We find love, you and I

It's a new game to play

Then we tell our first lie

And see love go away

And we find...we're alone

We rush on, you and I

We don't need love at all

We need thrills, we need speed

Then we stumble and fall

And we find...we're alone

We're loyal, you and I

To flowers that are dead

We forget how to cry

We save photos instead

And we find...we're alone

We hear guns, you and I

We ask what is that

Then we open the Times

We're informed where it's at

And we find...we're alone

We're moral, you and I

We stand for what's right

We Slaughter all evil

By dawn's early light

And we find...we're alone

We're lucky you and I

We're alive and secure

But in the bank and the church

We can never feel sure

And we find...we're alone

We've made it, you and I

We have glory and fame

Yet we never know why

We feel so ashamed

And we find...we're alone

We have power, you and I

But what good is that now

We could build a new world

If we only knew how

And we find...we're alone

We are old, you and I

We beg warmth from the sun

In the dreams that we dream

We ask what have done

And we find...we're alone

They're Watching You

It’s really not fair that a Friday could be so bad. Sometimes I think that God is mocking me, making fun of me and taunting me for trying to exist. Seriously, as if my day did not start off bad, then it gradually gets worse.

For example:

Wake up tired from lack of sleep.
Irritable bowels in addition to other problem too modest to mention.
Since I am running late, decide to stop by Expo to take photo for work.
General chaos there.
Try to cover somone’s ass (the story of my life lately).
Arrive to work late.
Necessary information I need to complete task not available to me yet.
Generally bad day dealing with slackers.
No one listens to advice I give.
Decide to make early night of it.
Wake up to phone ringing asking me if I phoned.
Cannot sleep so blog instead

Thank you, God. I might as well not have had a Friday.

I sometimes wonder how careful I should be with this blog. If I were to really write things that were on my mind, I might not have a job or friends…don’t worry Suz. None of this applies to you. Sometimes I think that maybe you are the only one who reads this, but then I wonder if anyone else does and if they do, maybe I am not free to express my feelings the way I should or need to.

One day soon, I am going to take the phone off the hook, not communicate with anyone and rest. I mean really rest. I will not go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone…just spend some time with me and FOR me.

Maybe the whole weekend.

Who knows? Maybe this weekend.

I surely don’t see myself sleeping tonight.

Thank you, Friday and thank you, God. I feel like Job all of a sudden.

Photo today: Peace in the Valley

Song of the Day: Private Eyes

I see you, you see me

watch you blowin' the lines

when you're making a scene

Oh girl, you've got to know

what my head overlooks

the senses will show to my heart

when it's watching for lies

you can't escape myPrivate Eyes

they're watching you

they see your every move

Private Eyes

they're watching you

Private Eyes

they're watching you

watching you

watching you

watching you

You play with words

you play with love

you can twist it around baby that ain't enough

cause girl I'm gonna know

if you're letting me in or letting me go

don't lie when you're hurting inside

'cause you can't escape myPrivate Eyes

they're watching you

they see your every move

Private Eyes

they're watching you

Private Eyes

they're watching you

watching you

watching you

watching you

Why you try to put up a front for me

I'm a spy but on your side you see

Slip on, into any disguise

I'll still know you

look into my Private Eyes

Touched

Sometimes I am amazed at how lazy people can be. Is there an unwritten rule somewhere giving license to those who feel like they can get others to do all their work for them while they take the credit for it? Oh wait…I see. They are called Democrats.

I guess this will really piss off a lot of people. I am really tired of the self-righteous people who think that the world owes them something and they don’t have to work for their supper. Dammit, I work hard and it really gets to me when I have to pick up the slack for these people. And then they try to appear as though they are the best thing since sliced bread.

Enough of this nonsense…these people just make me crazy.

Well, I guess I will be going back to Mom and Dad’s this weekend. My brother and his girlfriend will be there and she (the girlfriend) really wants me to be there. I just don’t feel like putting up with any of them these days. Call it cruel and heartless but I have so much stress being the closest to them and it seems that the rest of my family gets off scot-free and never has to worry about the serious things that come up.

I am feeling sorry for myself today, I know. I am just missing my soulmate so much. I really thought that things would get easier but I guess they are just suppressed and causing internal stress and ambivalence. Geez, I am starting to sound like I have been in therapy…again. Hahaha

Photo: Sunrise over Great Smokey Mountains

Today’s song: Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie

And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives

I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighterS
till trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

My Friend, Fernando

I did not get to blog yesterday and I feel bad about it. I want to try to keep this going every day that I can. Forgive me, dear reader (so many of you I am sure..LOL). As for my personal life, today was difficult in many ways. But things get progressively better with the medication and CPAP so I am hopeful that soon I can live a life worthy of my younger days.

I got a message today from a friend, Fernando. For the past 20 some odd years, he has been taking care of his mother who has been suffering from MS. Today I found out that she passed and it breaks my heart for my friend.

Today, it is Fernando's day...Fernando, be happy and know that your mother is at peace and that she loved you very much. And she surely knew how much you loved her. Peace, my friend.


Photo: Fernando

Song of the day: Fernando
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Can you hear the drums fernando?
I remember long ago another starry night like this
In the firelight fernando
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar
They were closer now fernando
Every hour every minute seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid fernando
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And Im not ashamed to say
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
Theres no regret
If I had to do the same againI would,
my friend, fernando
Now were old and grey fernando
And since many years I havent seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums fernando?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
Theres no regret
If I had to do the same againI would,
my friend, fernando
There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, fernando
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, fernando
Though I never thought that we could lose
Theres no regret
If I had to do the same againI would,
my friend, fernando
Yes, if I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, fernando...

Happy Birthday To Me

Famous people born on March 10th:

Matt Kenseth

Emmanuel Lewis

Osama bin Laden (yuck)

Sharon Stone

Carrie Underwood

Chuck Norris (ugh and double yuck!)

James Earl Ray

Eddie Brickell

Jasmine Guy

Prince Edward

Mark David Chapman

Shannon Tweed

On This Day In History:

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1876 Alexander Graham Bell makes the first ever telephone call.

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1977 Astronomers discover rings around the planet Uranus (HAHHAHA).

Photo: self-explanatory

Song of the Day: Nights In White Satin

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Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters I've written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

cause I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Gazing at people,

Some hand in hand,

Just what Im going thru

They can understand.

Some try to tell me

Thoughts they cannot defend,

Just what you want to be

You will be in the end,

And I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Nights in white satin,

Never reaching the end,

Letters Ive written,

Never meaning to send.

Beauty Id always missed

With these eyes before,

Just what the truth is

I cant say anymore.

cause I love you,

Yes, I love you,

Oh, how, I love you.

Oh, how, I love you.

Amsterdam

Today has been relatively quiet, Thank God. I have basically used it to relax, sleep, eat and just calm my head. I love it. Sundays when I don't have to go to work the next day...nothing finer.

Photo: My dream plot of land

Song of the Day: Amsterdam

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who sings
Of the dreams that he brings
From the wide open sea

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who sleeps
While the riverbank weeps
With the old willow tree

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who dies
Full of beer, full of cries
In a drunken down fight

And in the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who's born
On a muggy hot morn
By the dawn's early light

In the port of Amsterdam
Where the sailors all meet
There's a sailor who eats
Only fishheads and tails

He will show you his teeth
That have rotted too soon
That can swallow the moon
That can haul up the sails

And he yells to the cook
With his arms open wide
Bring me more fish
Put it down by my side

Then he wants so to belch
But he's too full to try
So he gets up and laughs
And he zips up his fly

In the port of Amsterdam
You can see sailors dance
Paunches bursting their pants
Grinding women to paunch

They've forgotten the tune
That their whiskey voice croaks
Splitting the night with the
Roar of their jokes

And they turn and they dance
And they laugh and they lust
Till the rancid sound of
The accordion bursts

Then out to the night
With their pride in their pants
With the slut that they tow
Underneath the street lamps

In the port of Amsterdam
There's a sailor who drinks
And he drinks and he drinks
And he drinks once again

He drinks to the health
Of the whores of Amsterdam
Who have promised their love
To a thousand other men

They've bargained their bodies
And their virtue long gone
For a few dirty coins
And when he can't go on

He plants his nose in the sky
And he wipes it up above
And he pisses like I cry
For an unfaithful love

In the port of Amsterdam
In the port of Amsterdam

Dust In The Wind

Today was a really strange one for me. It really started yesterday. I came home from work and was so tired I decided to lay down for a short nap. Nine hours later I woke up...geez, how great was that. An hour later, I was so tired that I was out like a light again for another five hours. If that isn't a good sleep then I don't know what is.

I went to lunch at Mom and Dad's today. Mom was supposed to make (according to Dad) homemade lasagne. Well to my surprise, homemade means heated up Stouffer's. Not good...

One interesting thing though was that Mom bought me a book of facts so I guess I will have more useless information to drive my co-workers crazy. They already say that my mind is a warehouse of useless information. Well, I would rather know facts than have to guess at things or pretend that I know something that I don't.

After lunch we watched a Peter Bogdanovich film "Noises Off". It sounds bad but I made the comment that it was a "dead actors club" film (Christopher Reeve, John Ritter). And anyone who was not dead has a career that is...I will let you look it up to see who else was in it. Don't get me wrong...it was an hysterically funny film and I highly recommend it if you are in need of a good laugh.

Today's photo: Cherokee Indian, Cherokee Indian Reservation, Cherokee, NC

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Song of the day:

Dust In The Wind

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Tell everyone that I am sorry, truly sorry

For all the wrongs I done

I never meant to hurt nobodyLord

I never want to do no wrong

I have lied, I have begged and I have cheated

And I know my ship won't be coming in

As I lay me down to take my rest

I see that it's just dust in the wind

Take hold my hand, hold it tighter, ever tighter

You must believe that I love you still

But my strength, it grows weaker, ever weaker

And my body has lost its will

Oh my Lord, I have lost once again

And I got no one to help me find my way

But I never wanted to hurt nobody

And I never wanted to do no wrong

A Breath of Fresh Air

Today was a busy one for me. Monthly reports have started coming in and consequently, my office life is busier than I want it to be. But I still have bills to pay, so I deal with it.

I had to swap out my CPAP today for one that has the pressure settings pre-programmed. If I didn't do this, then the insurance company would not pay on it. So, once again the insurance companies (crooks) get their way.

Suzann and I talked again today and she is feeling a bit down. I hope I was able to lift her spirits some and make her laugh. She is someone with whom I have always had a closeness to and when she hurts, then I hurt. I know you will read this Suz and I just hope that you believe that I will always do what I can to make sure that you are happy. You know I love you.

Well, off to bed for me. A good night of sleep may be just the ticket for a beginning to what I hope will be a good weekend.

Photo: At the end of the darkness, there is the light.

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Song of the day:

False Faces

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Oil on canvas

Couplets and stanzas

To divine who you are

Pencil portrayals and

Jealous betrayals

Get you further afar.

False faces and

Meaningless chases

I travel alone

First places and

Calendar races

I need a home.

Hostile hotel walls

Footfalls and phone calls

And you're on the line

Gentle coercions and

Bitter desertions

When the truth is a lie.

False faces and

Meaningless chases

I travel alone

First places and

Calendar races

I need a home.

Lover twice yearly

That last battle nearly

Cost me the fight.

Broke through the ice

And got cut downto size

And escapedthrough the night.

False faces and

Meaningless chases

I travel alone

First places and

Calendar races

I need a home.

You Are Still A Rat

After my earlier posting, I had an incredibly difficult day and I really was feeling down. So when I got home from work, I started surfing the internet and found something that was indicative of my current feelings. I only wish that I had written it but I will share it with you.

From "Why Bother" by Stan Smith ©2001

Let's turn off the television, step into the sunlight, and count the bodies.
As we were watching inside, the non-virtual continued at its own pace and on its own path, indifferent to our indifference, unamused by our ironic detachment, unsympathetic to our political impotence, unmoved by our carefully selected apparel, unfrightened by our nihilism, unimpressed by our braggadocio, unaware of our pain. Evolution and entropy remained outside the cocoon of complacent images, refusing to be hurried or delayed, declining to cut to the chase, unwilling to reveal either ending or meaning.
We shade our eyes and scan the decay. We know that this place, this country, this planet, is not the same as the last time we looked. There are more bodies. And fewer other things: choices, unlocked doors, democracy, satisfying jobs, reality, unplanned moments, clean water and a species of frog whose name we forget, community, and the trusting, trustworthy smile of a stranger.
Someone has been careless, cruel, greedy, stupid. But it wasn't us, was it? We were inside, just watching. It all happened without us -- by the hand of forces we can't see, understand, or control. We can always go in again and zap ourselves back to a place where the firestorms and tornadoes and wars are never larger than 27 inches on the diagonal. We can do nothing out here. Why bother?
Why bother? Only to be alive. Only to be real, only to be made not of what we watch and acquire, but of what we think and do. Only, Winston Churchill said, to fight while there is still a small chance so we don't have to fight when there is none. Only to climb the rock face of risk and doubt in order to engage in the most extreme sport of all -- that of being a free and conscious human. Free and conscious even in a society that seems determined to reduce our lives to a barren pair of mandatory functions: compliance and consumption.
What safety we have, the privilege of the cocoon, comes from those who, at much greater danger and with far less chance, climbed that wall, insisted on being human, fought despair, suppressed fear, and denied themselves the illusion of detachment. Some were only a generation or two away and carried our name, some were more distant. Our present safety is built upon their risks, on their integrity, rebellion, and passion, and upon the courage that propelled them.
Part of the reckless hubris of our time is to believe that we have become so clever and complex as to render such qualities superfluous. We are assured that if we are competitive and hip enough, if we just obey the rules of the marketplace, all will be well.
Yet, as Lily Tomlin said, even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat. And there is another irony. The rules of the marketplace recreate by artificial means the brutality, unfairness, and helplessness that humans have sought to escape for most of their evolution. Only during the last one-tenth of one percent of our history have at least some broken away from tyrannies of nature and culture to build societies hospitable to the free individual. No small part of this work has occurred in our own land.
Yet, rather than acting as stewards of this fragile achievement, we have lately become increasingly indifferent toward its lessons and profligate with its rewards. Too many, particularly in places of power, have become the spoiled brats of human progress.
For the rest, there is seldom power commensurate with available conscience or opportunities enough for available will. Worse, in the land of the bottom line, virtue often is not only devalued and fails to be its own reward, it is undermined and becomes an object of ridicule.
To survive in such a time, to retain the will to be human, to build good communities, and to be decent and caring in such places, is extraordinarily difficult. The carelessly powerful are not about to tell us how. We have to help each other…
Life is a endless pick-up game between hope and despair, understanding and doubt, crisis and resolution. "Evermore," Emerson said of it, "beauty and disgust, magnificence and rats." Sisyphus nears the mountaintop and the rock rolls down again. We lose courage and suddenly there is a light…
For such reasons, I'll speak of possibilities and not of solutions, for it is in the abundance of our choices rather than in the perfection of our path that our future lies. And I'll not dwell on hope and faith because, central as they may be to our lives, far too many politicians, preachers, and publishers have used such words to defer present responsibilities, opportunity, and consciousness. Further, it has been wisely said that hope won't pay the cable bill, and faith is too often just another drug, producing hallucinogenic visions of a flawless future. This is not to reject either, but rather to return them to their rightful role, that of planting seeds of possibility rather than sowing false prospects.
Are these possibilities enough? Well, they have served others in far more dismal times. We have come to expect more -- including the entitlement of certitude. Hence we sometimes approach these concerns much as though we were apostles out on a Saturday shopping for a creed. If this is you, I'm afraid I can't help you. You've come to the wrong door. There's nobody here but another member of the search party. Let's step into the sunlight together and see what we find.
Copyright 2001 Sam Smith

Photo: What may be on the agenda for the evening.

Song of the evening:


All By Myself



When I was young
I never needed anyone
And makin love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin alone
I think of all the friends Ive known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobodys home

All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself
anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself
anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself
anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself
anymore

Auntie Em, Uncle Henry

I didn’t get an opportunity to blog yesterday. We had storms blow through the area and some got pretty severe. I thought it was best to leave my computer turned off. There was some pretty strong wind and lots of rain. My neighbor directly behind my house had a storage building lifted from it’s foundation at the far side of his backyard and it ended up beside the house a good distance away. I felt lucky that I had no damage but it did get a little scary there for a few minutes.

I was lucky enough to get my addiction to American Idol and Big Brother fed though. I was pleasantly surprised at the talent last night. Of course, there were some performances that were a bit over the top (well, not so much the performances as the flighty behavior from some of the contestants). I don’t have a problem with gay people so don’t get me wrong. But there was one last night whose flame was shining brighter than it needed to shine.

And what is the big stink with the stripper? Ok, sure…there should be better screening processes in place for the contestants on these shows. But it is a talent/singing competition after all, and if you have talent and can sing who cares what you do in your personal life? Let the guy sing…he’s got a great voice. If he wants to take of his clothes and show people his stuff when he is not performing publicly, so what! Geez.

Big Brother—geez I would love to go on that show. You would think after nine seasons of strategy and manipulation these people would know by now how to play the game. There is a lot of viciousness, lies, deceit and backstabbing on the show that gets criticized. Well hello—that is the type of show that you expect this behavior from or else you don’t make it to the end.

I hope that Ryan and Allison get evicted this week. Even though you have to lie and cheat to win the game, which Allison did without fail, you cannot get caught. Allison and Shiela would have been better off playing the part of the lesbians like they had originally started as a joke. They should never have come clean that they were not in a relationship. Joshuah has been a bit too hard on her though. But that is all part of the game.

There has been other stuff happen today but I will write about those things later.

Photo: Stewie Griffin

Song of the day:

In The Air Tonight

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well, if you told me you were drowning
I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend
But I don't know if you know who I am
Well, I was there and I saw what you did
I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off the grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, Oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord, Oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember don't worry
How could I ever forget, it's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence up, no you don't fool me
The hurt doesn't show; but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you or me

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, Oh Lord...

It's a dogtown

Did you ever just have one of those Mondays that seemed to go on and on and on? Well, today seemed to be that kind of day for me.

It all started last night actually. I got to sleep at a decent hour and, of course, connected the CPAP machine. That thing is really going to take some getting used to. After about an hour I finally dozed off to never-never land. I think I woke up about three times during the night. At 5:00am I finally was aroused from my sleep because of a dream (over the past two nights it seems like they are more and more strange and vivid).

In the dream Mom and I were at a parking garage (can’t remember where it was) and a tornado was bearing down on us and fast. We held on for dear life as it passed over us and all I could remember was hoping and praying that Mom had the strength to hold on. Then I awoke to the steady sound of the air circulation from the machine. It is amazing what can trigger these things.

So, clean up and off to work…only to be bogged down by slow drivers who don’t know the passing lane from the lane for slower traffic (one of my biggest pet peeves). So I get to work and start finishing up a project that I began on Friday. Unfortunately, it involves cuts in funding for the contractors and breaking it to them is not going to be easy, but that is all part of my job. In between my normal duties, and today is no different than any other day, I get side-tracked by requests for help in other areas. Sometimes I wish there was more than one of me so that I could spread more of myself out.

Anyway, I plan a comfortable and relaxing evening at home with no cares in the world. But as sure as I put these wishes on paper, I can almost bet the phone will ring and it will be someone wanting me to do this or that for them. Oh well, spring will be here soon and then I can hope to relax a bit and enjoy some sunshine.


Song of the day:

Dogtown


Up in Massachusetts

There's a little spit of land.

The men who make the maps,

yes, they call the place Cape Ann.

The men who do the fishing

call it Gloucester Harbor Sound,

But the women left behind,

they call the place Dogtown.

The men go out for whaling,

past the breakers and the fogs.

The women stay home waiting

they're protected by the dogs.

A tough old whaler woman

who had seen three husbands drown,

Polled the population

and she named the place Dogtown.

There's all these grey faced women

in their black widow's gowns,

Living in this grave yard granite town.

Yeah, you soon learn there's many

more than one way to drown;

That's while going to the dogs

here in Dogtown.

And she speaks:

My father was a merchant

all in the Boston fief.

When my husband came and asked him

for my hand.

But little did I know then

that a Gloucester whaler's wife

Marries but the sea salt

and the sand.

He took me up to Dogtown

the day I was a bride.

We had ten days together

before he left my side.

He's the first mate

of a whaling ship,

the keeper of the log.

He said, "Farewell, my darling,

I'm going to leave you

with my dog."

And I have seen the splintered timbers

of a hundred shattered hulls,

Known the silence of the granite

and the screeching of the gulls,

I've heard that crazy widow Cather

walk the harbor as she raves

At the endless rolling whisper

of the waves.

Sitting by the fireside,

the embers slowly die.

Is it a sign of weakness

when a woman wants to cry?

The dog is closely watching

the fire glints in his eye.

No use to go to sleep this early,

no use to even try.

My blood beats like a woman's,

I've got a woman's breast and thighs.

But where am I to offer them

to the ocean or the skies?

Living with this silent dog

all the moments of my life,

He has been my only husband;

am I a widow, or his wife?

Yes, it's a Dogtown and it's a fog town,

And there's nothing around 'cept the sea

pounding granite ground

And this black midnight horror

of a hound.

I'm standing on this craggy cliff,

my eyes fixed on the sea.

Six months past, when his ship was due,

I'm a widow to be.

For liking this half living

with the lonely and the fog,

You need the bastard of the mating

of a woman and a dog.

And I have seen the splintered timbers

of a hundred shattered hulls,

Known the silence of the granite

and the screeching of the gulls,

I've heard that crazy widow Cather

walk the harbor as she raves

At the endless rolling whisper of the waves.

At the endless rolling whisper of the waves.

At the endless rolling whisper of the waves.

Lazy Sunday

Not much going on today which can be a good thing. I am still getting used to my CPAP machine and that is not easy but it will get better I am sure.

Suzann and I talked late last night and we were kicking around ideas for new inventions. She had some really good ideas but when I looked for patents on these ideas, there were already people who had done them so she was feeling shot down about it.

I came up with a really cool idea and presented it to her. I did a drawing what I thought it should look like. She is going to have her cousin make a prototype of it and send it to me so that I can try it out. If it works then I am going to get a patent on it present it to a manufacturer. Who knows? Maybe someday I will be rich.

Today's photo is an aerial view of a biker in Gatlinburg, TN.

Song of the Day:

The Desperate Ones

They hold each other's hand

They walk without a sound

Down forgotten streets

Their shadows kiss the ground

Their footsteps sing a song

That's ended before it's begun

They walk without a sound

The desperate ones

Just like the tiptoe moth

They dance before the flame

They've burned their hearts so much

That death is just a game

And if love calls again

So foolishly they run

They run without a sound

The desperate ones

I know the road they're on

I've walked their crooked mile

A hundred times or more

I drank their cup of bile

They watch their dreams go down

Behind the setting sun

They walk without a sound

The desperate ones

And underneath the bridge

The waters sweet and deep

There is the journey's end

The land of endless sleep

They cry to us for help

We think it's all in fun

They cry without a sound

The desperate ones

Let he who threw the stone at them

Stand up and take a bow

He knows the verb to love

But he'll never know how

On the bridge of nevermore

They disappear one by one

Disappear without a sound

The desperate ones

Turn, Turn, Turn

There is a first for everything and today that is the creation of a Blog. I will try to make this as interesting as I can although my life is pretty much less than interesting. But it is the life I have been given and I will do what I can to make it something worthy for reading, if only for me.

Yesterday I got my CPAP machine to help me control my sleep apnea. I got about five good hours of sleep my first night on the machine and feel more rested than eight hours without it. So perhaps I am on the right track to getting myself back to feeling good. Now if only I can get my thyroid levels under control, my back and knee pain eliminated and my energy levels up, then I can function again like a normal human being. One thing for sure, I have the best doctor in the world who really cares about me and my health and that is a step in the right direction. Thank you, Dr. A.

Today will not be overly exciting for me. I have laundry to do (can't go to work stinking after all) and need to make a trip to the supermarket for some food. Basically, the rest of my day will be devoted to some paperwork that I need to handle for the job and in between that I want to do some work on my novel.

I will be sharing some photos along my journey in this blog so enjoy and comment and I will try to keep things light and fun. The photo today was taken in the Great Smokie Mountains, October 14, 2008.

Song of the day:

If We Only Have Love

If we only have love

Then tomorrow will dawn

And the days of our years

Will rise on that morn

If we only have love

To embrace without fears

We will kiss with our eyes

We will sleep without tears

If we only have love

With our arms open wide

Then the young and the old

Will stand at our side

If we only have love

Love that's falling like rain

Then the parched desert earth

Will grow green again

If we only have love

For the hymn that we shout

For the song that we sing

Then we'll have a way out

If we only have love

We can reach those in pain

We can heal all our wounds

We can use our own names

If we only have love

We can melt all the guns

And then give the new world

To our daughters and sons

If we only have love

Then Jerusalem stands

And then death has no shadow

There are no foreign lands

If we only have love

We will never bow down

We'll be tall as the pines

Neither heroes nor clowns

If we only have love

Then we'll only be men

And we'll drink from the Grail

To be born once again

Then with nothing at all

But the little we are

We'll have conquered all time

All space, the sun, and the stars.